Introduction
On the 9th of July 2018, I attended the professorial inauguration of Professor Grace Khunou; her inaugural address was titled “The Paradox of Father Absence and Presence in Contemporary and Historical South Africa.” In her whole address, I felt challenged. Even though her talk focused on father absence, I still resonated with her paper as someone who has experienced biological mother absence. Prof. Khunou mentioned that she grapples with this idea of how some of the children who have experienced father/parental absence would still love their so-called deadbeat and absent parents (Khunou, 2018). I felt like she was talking to me. This is because I grew up in a society where my love for my “absent mother” was contested. I was made to feel like I was not supposed to love her and yearn for her presence. My mother was not regarded as an ideal mother, as she was often thought of as a “selfish” and an “irresponsible” mother, who only thinks about herself and not her children. People would state that my mother was supposed to have put the needs of her children first before her own needs, even though it was difficult for her to be present (Gustafson, 2005).
Despite her absence I loved her. This I would observe when she would come around after years of not seeing her. I would be excited to see her. I would want to sit on my mother’s lap even though I knew she was going to disappear again, and we would not know her whereabouts. In this paper, I try to humanize my mother by showing how her absence was an act of love and selflessness. I also look at how maternal absence is stigmatized and pathologized. This paper is excerpted from and motivated by my ongoing doctoral research study which focuses on re-imagining motherhood using an auto-ethnography research methodological tool.
My Non-Normative Family’s History
As the African proverb emphasizes that it takes a village to raise a child (Rabe, 2017), I believe that it took a village to raise me as well. Even though I was primarily raised by my biological father and paternal grandmother, there were other mothers/social mothers who played a role in nurturing me. This included my maternal family, my stepmother(s), paternal aunts, teachers, and women from my church who were mostly part of uManyano loMama. With the village that raised me, I did not experience a nuclear normative family structure when I was growing up. The extended family is often a family structure in which parental responsibilities for raising children are shared and not just left up to the biological parents (Rabe, 2017).
Nuclearism was forced onto African families through capitalistic and patriarchal ideologies (Amadiume, 1987; Khunou, 2006). The gendered expectations in the nuclear family uphold that the biological mother is the expected parent who is to provide care and nurturing responsibilities to her children and husband (Amadiume, 1987; Oyewumi, 1997). The biological mother is expected to be physically present in raising children and ensuring the family structure is well preserved. Mothers who go against and oppose these ideal norms are often met with derogatory terms and called names because of their inability to mother according to the standards of these ideologies (Collins, 2000). However, the idealized image of a nuclear family type does not correspond to the actual diversity in the African family, especially in South Africa (Hall, 2018;).
The Maternal Absence Pathology
Despite the presence of “other/social” mothers in my life and having a good upbringing, I was and even now I am still pathologized for not being raised by my biological mother. Whenever I share my experience or even my research study with people, the first word uttered is “sorry,” followed by a hug or pat on the back. These gestures, even though some of them are innocent, leave me feeling pitied by people, as if something were wrong with how I was raised. Literature on maternal absence focusing on the reactions of children separated from their biological mothers when taken at face value indicate negative effects on children’s short- and long-term cognitive and personality development (Gustafson, 2005). Since a biological mother is considered to be accountable for her children, her absence is linked to the unfavorable developments observed in her offspring. Mothers who are absent are therefore portrayed as being deviant, having psychiatric problems, or failing their children (Gustafson, 2005; Padi, Nduna, Khunou and Kholopane, 2014).
When mothers make decisions that are in the child(ren)’s interests, absent mothers are viewed as inadequate role models who are egotistical, uncaring, unstable, and reckless. These women are often judged by families, friends, acquaintances, strangers, social institutions like the church, schools, and community members. I grew up listening to derogatory terms with which some of my family members or family friends described my mother; this led to my mother describing herself as a useless mother.
In the pitiful moments, I do explain that regardless of my biological mother’s absence, I was raised by a community and mothered by other mothers/social mothers. Thus, I have had a good childhood (Collins, 2000). Most studies on parental absence in South Africa focus on fatherhood, because it is the most documented and normalized narrative in family studies. Examples of this include the scholarship of Padi et al., (2014); Eddy, Thomson-de Boor, Mphaka (2013). Such works contest the notion that father absence or rather parental absence yields lifelong negative consequences in children, such as some turning out badly as adults.
However, this is not to imply that the unfavorable results experienced by children of absent mothers are not significant. Instead of examining structural elements or forces, this approach instead results in examining and challenging the power inherent in each individual (Gustafson, 2005). Callahan, Rutman, Strega and Dominelli (2005) argue that the underlying premise of Western and Eurocentric discourses and ideologies do not view parental failures, especially maternal absence, as resulting from socioeconomic conditions or structural disparities, but rather sees them as the result of personal/individual problems. The discourse on maternal absence and duty is infused with individualistic interpretations that place parental responsibility within the body of the individual woman. This takes the focus away from the structural and systematic forces that influence a woman’s parental experiences which are based on gender, race, and class.
The Stigmatization of Maternal Absence: The Good and the Bad Mother Discourse
Maternal absence is a taboo phenomenon. It is usually an experience that we do not regularly talk and write about, yet it does happen. People often exclaim that they do not think that mothers could abandon their children, yet further state that it is normal when it is fathers who are absent as compared to mothers (Henderson, 2012; Padi et al., 2014; Zungu, 2016).
Gustafson’s Unbecoming Mothers (2005) focuses on maternal absence providing an analysis and a chance to humanize “bad” mothers. The book is a collection of essays from different authors who analyze the pathology around absent motherhood to de-stigmatize absent mothers. Unbecoming Mothers is centered around the American context; however, I believe the narrations provided in the book interlink with that of my mother and other biological absent mothers from the African context.
There are overarching social narratives that structure how women perceive, conceptualize, and carry out motherhood (Gustafson, 2005; Copeland and Harbaugh, 2019). These descriptions act as the standard for assessing mothering performance in both subtle and overt portrayals of the good and the bad mother. These distorted images typically conflict with the nuanced realities that single mothers, poor mothers, and other mothers from various social backgrounds experience. In order to better understand how society constructs maternal absence, it is essential to examine the good mother/bad mother binary as an analytical tool (Gustafson, 2005).
The “good mother” discourse demands that mothers only present themselves in ways that are socially acceptable and in accordance with normative standards (Kruger, 2006; Khunou, 2006). What is considered to be socially acceptable for mothers is the focus and obsession of the good mother myth. It is commonly believed that being a good mother is the ideal and natural state for mothers. The cultural standard that is frequently represented is that of a white, heterosexual, middle-class woman as the ideal mother (Gustafson, 2021; Kruger, 2006). She is the woman who adheres to the values of white, Christian, married, fertile, middle-class families in terms of beliefs, appearance, and behavior.
The “bad” mother is a binary polarization of the good mother. Marked as a different, undeserving mother, the bad mother is a mother who fails to exhibit the image of the normative nuclear family structure. The imagery of the bad mother is frequently of an underprivileged Black woman, immigrant woman, lesbian woman, and other marginalized women (Dos Santos, 2019). The stereotype of the bad mother is one in which she is uninformed, and trivializes or rejects her child’s need for love, care, and nurturing. She is thought of as being unloving and heartless (Gustafson, 2005).
A bad mother is typically pictured as someone who abuses, neglects, or does not do enough to safeguard her child(ren). Crucial to this, a bad mother is one who is physically and emotionally absent from her children. Given these perspectives on mothering, a woman who is separated from her biological children would seem to be the worst kind of mother—an unnatural mother, an aberrant woman who neglects her parental responsibilities (Gustafson, 2005; Dos Santos, 2019). According to the premise that motherhood offers happiness, a good mother is an ideal happy mother, whereas a bad mother is a sadistic woman/mother. Consequently, the individual, rather than the institution, is held accountable for the conditions of motherhood (Khunou, 2006; Kruger, 2006).
Her Absence and Selfless Love
“uMa,
Our Mother,
She birthed us,
But could not raise us,
They call her names,
They say she is:
Useless, irresponsible, reckless, insensitive
Uncaring, egotistical and selfish!
Quiet now, you noisemakers!
Hush your noise!
That’s Our Mother,
My Mother you are talking about!”
uMa- is a poem I wrote when I was attending a poetic inquiry workshop. I have often been critiqued for trying to humanize my mother’s absence as an act of love and selflessness. My father passed on in 2020. One of the things he said weeks before his death was that I should forgive my biological mother. He said that if it was not for her giving birth to me, he would have never had the opportunity of raising me. A hard ask I felt at the time, but I understood what he meant. In conversation with my biological mother, I asked her, does she regret not having raised me? She immediately said no, she did not, because she recognized she did not have the capacity and ability to raise me and my brothers. She mentioned that she did not have a home and a stable income. I then realized how loved I was by her.
Material comforts are not love; there is more to raising a child than money. Even so, access to resources played a role in my upbringing (Khunou, 2006; Gustafson, 2005). I went to a Catholic-Model C school, one of the best private schools in our area. My family members tried their best to ensure I had a better life. Gustafson (2005) argues that most mothers who leave behind their children do not do so because of selfish reasons but because of the love they have for their child(ren). She argues that even though it is not venerated and respected, this decision of leaving children by a mother is a selfless act a mother can do for her children. To allow other people to raise her child(ren) because of the inability to do so, is often done from a position of wanting a better life for her child(ren).
When I delved into the conversations I have had with my maternal grandmother, maternal aunt and my biological mother, a thread of absence in our family cycle transpires. When my great-grandmother came to Johannesburg-Gauteng Province to work as a domestic worker, because she did not have her own home, she resided with relatives in Soweto. My grandmother followed my great-grandmother to live with her as she was sick and needed attention from eye specialists from Johannesburg Baragwanath hospital. Both my great-grandmother and grandmother never returned to their extended family home in the Free State Province. My grandmother does share that she had to stay with relatives in Soweto and a friend of her mother, because her mother was working in the suburban areas of Johannesburg as a domestic. When my grandmother became a mother, she also had to work as a domestic after she was pregnant with my mother. She also became a live-in domestic worker; this shows how abandonment manifests and spreads out in the maternal family.
In South Africa, domestic work was and still is one of the main forms of employment for Black women (Collins, 2000; Bozalek, 1999; Mokoene and Khunou, 2019). Despite racial segregation during apartheid, white families and Black women coexisted in this area since live-in domestic workers were the norm (Bozalek, 1999; Mokoene and Khunou, 2019). A degree of emotional intimacy and connection could result from the domestic worker’s intimate personal proximity to her employer’s family, but often, “house rules” and the unequal power dynamics of the relationship led to what Ginsberg(1999) refers to as a “conflicted symbiosis.” Domestic work is an occupation where exploitation is frequent and is readily concealed due to the unequal power dynamics and the atmosphere in which the oppression takes place.
Thus, my great-grandmother and my grandmother could not bring their children to live with them, having to leave them with relatives. Also, the money they earned was too low for them to build their own homes (Bozalek, 1999). Home is a place of belonging, protection, and community for me as a Black South African woman (Hall, 2018). My mother knew she could not provide that for me and my siblings. I have come to understand that, despite the pathology, her absence was an act of selflessness. My mother demonstrated selflessness and unconditional love by allowing my father and other mothers/social mothers to raise me.
Reimagining Motherhood using African Proverbs
To venerate and embrace African motherhood, Masuku (2020) tries to provide a socially- constructed basis of African motherhood through the use of African proverbs. Proverbs are common sayings or phrases that voice a seemingly perceived truth (Masuku, 2020). Proverbs often provide advice which is focused on common and lived experiences. African proverbs usually define mothers as present women, as strong and as all encompassing. During my childhood, my grandmothers and women in the community would usually articulate some of the proverbs to which I refer. In those instances, I never saw or identified my biological mother as being part of the mothers these proverbs mention.
Mothers are seen as women who make the most vital contribution to society, and this is done through the rearing of her children. Even for women who are married, Mazuru and Nyambi (2012) contend that motherhood supersedes their roles as wives, because their chief objective in their marriages is to bear children and continue the lineage of the husband. My mother was never married to my father; however, my father felt that I should forgive her because she had continued his legacy by virtue of my birth.
In most African communities, motherhood is idealized and regarded as a fulfillment of a woman’s dreams, desires and aspirations (Oyewumi, 1997; Mazuru and Nyambi 2012). I was raised in a Zulu culture that embraces motherhood as an integral institution for familial relations and structures (Masuku, 2020). There are a few Zulu proverbs associated with motherhood and these proverbs provide insight into how motherhood is perceived and is also experienced. A re-reading of these Zulu proverbs affords me the opportunity to re-imagine my mother and humanize her absence.
Ingane igaba ngonina- this is loosely translated as a child is proud because of the existence of the mother. This proverb places the child’s reliance on the mother, because the child knows the mother serves as a protector. It is believed a child can behave in whichever way, because of the mother’s protection (Nyembezi, 1990; Zungu, 2016; Masuku, 2020). According to the proverb, a mother is everything to her child(ren).
As a child it was difficult for me to resonate with this proverb because I felt I did not rely on my biological mother for protection. Instead, I could only resonate with the proverb in the context of my grandmother and other mothers who have raised me. However, through the journey of re-imagining my biological mother, I have come to realize that she was protecting her children when she could not physically and emotionally become present in our lives.
The second proverb I was exposed to is: Unina wunina MaZulu! This proverb is translated as nobody is compared or comes close to a mother (Nyembezi, 1990; Zungu, 2016; Masuku, 2020). This proverb celebrates the supremacy of the mother and affirms her existence, alluding to the unconditional love between children and their mother. This proverb emphasizes as well that a mother would do anything for her children, as she would ensure that they live comfortable lives even if it means at her expense. This indicates that mothers usually sacrifice themselves for their children to be happy.
At first, I read this from a space of maternal lack and absence. As I am trying to humanize my mother and heal from the pain and block the noisemakers, who have continuously affirmed her as a bad and useless mother, I would then argue that this proverb Unina wunina MaZulu, is indeed referring to my biological mother as well. After everything that has happened, she is still my mother. I now believe that in her absence, she sacrificed herself and allowed my father and everyone else to physically raise me, while she was defined as a bad mother. She sacrificed herself from raising us, because she wanted and envisioned the best for her children. Even though we were not raised in one place with my brothers, she left us in the care of people she trusted would influence our lives.
Conclusion
In this quest of humanizing my biological mother, I am not fascinated with romanticizing her absence or my experience of maternal absence. I am cautious of how sensitive this journey has been for me on a personal level and for me as a researcher because this is a sensitive study. This journey of researching motherhood has made me struggle with different emotions and hence I had to go through therapy sessions for me to embark upon this study. It is never an easy task to redefine and reimagine pain in a different way. The mission of reimagining and redefining my mother’s absence does not take away the mother wound and experiences I have endured because of her absence. With the opportunity of researching my biological mother, I have had to learn and understand that structural forces influenced and played a role in the choices my mother and most Black absent mothers make when abandoning their children. Hence, I have discovered through this research work that my mother loved me and was selfless to allow others who could do it better than her to raise me and my siblings. From a decolonial, womanist and imaginative standpoint, we are therefore challenged to embark on research work that humanizes, heals, and restores the dignity of the historically marginalized.
References
Bozalek, V. (1999). Contextualizing caring in Black South African families. Social Politics, 6(1): 85-99. https://doi.org/10.1093/sp/6.1.85
Callahan, M, Rutman, D, Strega, S. and Dominelli, L. (2005). Looking promising: Contradictions and challenges for young mothers in care. In Gustafson, Diana. Unbecoming Mothers. New York: Routledge Taylor and Francis. (p.185) DOI:10.4324/9781315044101-12
Gustafson, D. (2005). The Social Construction of Maternal Absence (p. 23 ). In Gustafson, D. Unbecoming Mothers. New York: Routledge Taylor and FrancisTaylor and Francis. DOI: 10.4324/9781315044101-3
Collins, P. (2000). Black Feminist Thought: Knowledge, Consciousness and the Politics of Empowerment (2nd Edition). Routledge. https://doi.org/10.4324/9780203900055
Copeland, DB and Harbaugh, B.L. (2019). “It’s hard being a mama”: Validation of the maternal distress concept in becoming a mother. The Journal of Perinatal Education, 28(1), 28–42. doi: 10.1891/1058-1243.28.1.28
Dos Santos, A.J. (2012). Constructions of adoptive and foster mothering: A discourse analysis. [Master of Arts (Psychology), University of Pretoria. http://upetd.up.ac.za/thesis/available/etd-06192013-182523/
Eddy, MM, Thomson-de Boor, H and Mphaka, K. (2013). “So, we ATM fathers’” A study of absent fathers in Johannesburg, South Africa. https://www.uj.ac.za/wp-content/uploads/2021/10/absent-fathers-full-report-2013.pdf
Gustafson, D. Unbecoming Mothers. New York: Routledge Taylor and FrancisTaylor and Francis. DOI: 10.4324/9781315044101-3
Hall, K. (2018). Recognising the diversity of SA families. News UCT, 22 November, https://www.news.uct.ac.za/article/-2018-11-22-recognising-the-diversity-of-sa-families
Hudson-Weems C. (2004). Africana womanist literary theory. Trenton NJ: Africa World Press. https://searchworks.stanford.edu/view/5642511
Khunou, G. (2006). Maintenances and changing masculinities as sources of gender conflict in Contemporary Johannesburg.. PhD thesis, University of the Witwatersrand, South Africa. https://core.ac.uk/download/pdf/39664881.pdf
University of Johannesburg Youtube Channel. (2018). Professorial Inauguration Professor Grace Khunou [Video]. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9dSEcggptts
Kruger, LM. (2006). Motherhood. In Shefer, T, Boozaier, F & Kiguwa, P (eds). The Gender of Psychology. Cape Town: UCT Press (p. 182). https://books.google.co.za/books?hl=en&lr=&id=jtiUvdDlTboC&oi=fnd&pg=PR10&ots=-1oOQ8UIKQ&sig=lrLCkeZHryaCkDe2QpxgrdOVTLo&redir_esc=y#v=onepage&q=kruger&f=false
Masuku, N. (2020). Motherhood venerated in Zulu proverbs and folktales: The Africana womanist approach. SAJAL, 40(2): 218–22. https://doi.org/10.1080/02572117.2020.1804287
Mazuru M, Nyambi O. (2012). Celebrating Africana motherhood: The Shona proverb and the familial and social roles of mothers as first teachers, cultural bearers and co-partners.
International Journal of Asian Social Science 2(5): 596–601. https://www.academia.edu/58753057/Celebrating_Africana_Motherhood_the_Shona_Proverb_and_the_Familial_and_Social_Roles_of_Mothers_as_First_Teachers_Cultural_Bearers_and_Co_Partners
Mokoene, KZ and Khunou, G. (2019). Parental absence: Intergenerational and contestations of social grants in South Africa’. Critical Social Policy, 39: 1-16. https://www.researchgate.net/publication/335427282_Parental_absence_Intergenerational_tensions_and_contestations_of_social_grants_in_South_Africa
Ngcobozi, L. 2020. Mothers of The Nation: Manyano Women in South Africa. Cape Town: Tafelberg (p. 1-162).
Nyembezi, C.L.S. (1990). Zulu proverbs. Pietermaritzburg: Shuter & Shooter.
Padi, T, Nduna, M, Khunou, G and Kholopane, P. (2014) Defining absent, unknown and undisclosed fathers in South Africa. South African Review of Sociology, 45(:2) 44-59.
Rabe, M. (2017). It takes a village to raise a child, but the village is ruined Care and family policy in South Africa. Inaugural Professorial Lecture, June 2017.https://www.unisa.ac.za/static/corporate_web/Content/News%20&%20Media/Articles/Documents/Inaugural-lecture-Prof-Marlize-Rabe.pdf
Zungu, BE. (2016). Defining feminine roles: A “gendered” depiction of women through Zulu Proverbs. Alternation Special Edition, (18), 221-240. https://journals.ukzn.ac.za/index.php/soa/article/view/1362
- JourMS - 