MotherScholars have a wealth of experiences from which to draw from to derive meaning. Mothers employed in higher education, referred to as MotherScholars (Lapayese, 2012; Matias, 2011; Matias & Nishi, 2018), were the focus of the study presented in this piece. Careful observation helps the individual to discern both the official and unofficial messages that shape their experiences within micro- to macro-contexts but discernment on the personal level is never objective (Piantanida et al., 2019). Due to human nature, contexts are looked at through autobiographical lenses which shape perceptions of the experiences, what is seen, how to interpret what is experienced, and how to respond to what is felt. The stories individuals tell themselves, about education, about school, and about society offer important insights (Piantanida et al., 2019). This is appropriate given that the research questions that guided the study of focus in this piece were how do MotherScholars view themselves during COVID-19 and what is the impact of work-family balance on the perceptions of identity? MotherScholars can also be viewed as Scholar-Practitioners as they embrace a mindset of professional development that from the outset of their careers, allows them as educators to embrace the mindset of scholar-practitioner and to simultaneously be developing greater expertise as both a practitioner and a scholar (Piantanida et al., 2019; Reister et al., 2020).
In other words, educators who view themselves as Scholar-Practitioners embrace a sort of practical wisdom by analyzing the daily occurrences or actions that happen throughout the classroom and within social and instructional interactions with their students to make informed decisions as they engage in their teaching practices. Scholar-Practitioners are always learning, always reflecting, and always intentional in what they do inside (and outside) the classroom (Reister et al., 2020). Furthermore, Scholar-Practitioners engage in metacognitive awareness in considering how meaning making informs their learning and vice versa. These same principles can be applied to MotherScholars in that the study of focus in this piece sought to analyze how MotherScholars viewed themselves and the impact of work-family balance on the perceptions of identity in the MotherScholars.
These insights help individuals to organize their personal biographies and understand the biographies through the stories they create to explain and justify their life experiences. When asked why they do what they do, individuals provide narrative explanations. These explanations that are shared are one way individuals can seek to understand their own lives and attempt to best understand the lives of others (Cornell & Lyness, 2004; Glickman & Carey, 1993; Kemmery & Compton, 2014; Kemmery, 2015). Experiences are connected to other experiences, are viewed in a holistic manner, and, in order to make sense of the events in their lives, people reconstruct biography (Richardson, 2006). Every single person in this world has a story about who he or she is, what life has been like, each person’s place in the world, and future hopes and dreams he or she holds.
The research questions that guided the study were how do MotherScholars view themselves during COVID-19 and what is the impact of work-family balance on the perceptions of identity? The delicate balancing of multiple roles within the work force is evident in someone who may define herself as a Scholar-Practitioner, or as a teacher. The Scholar-Practitioner embraces a sort of practical wisdom by analyzing the daily occurrences or actions that happen throughout the classroom and within social and instructional interactions with her students (Reister et al., 2020). Scholar-Practitioners are always learning, always reflecting, and always intentional with what it is that they do inside (and outside) of the classroom (Piantanida et al., 2019).
These practices are also evident in what MotherScholars do in their work in that MotherScholars learn, reflect, and are intentional with what it is they do inside (and outside) of their classrooms as the below quote shares,
Mothers in the academic world, as in the broader work force, feel pulled between the ideals of the good mother and the good worker. We want and need to be both, but the struggle is tiresome and frustrating. We forego sleep to the detriment of our health. We bounce between worlds, merging the two of them when and if we can and experience the pull in myriad ways (Sutherland, 2009).
The above quote illustrates for the reader the pull MotherScholars may experience in balancing being mothers and teachers.
Valdovinos and colleagues (2020) spoke of this particular feeling of being pulled in separate directions by stating that to be a mother and to be a scholar seem to be contradictory to each other when traditional expectations and perceptions are taken into account. These same researchers further explain that, on the one hand, many women in academia have learned through unspoken conventional expectations that motherhood represents itself as a threat to their career. Some of the threats, as has been defined by other researchers, include the time spent doing reproductive labor is time that could be or could have been dedicated to teaching and advancing one’s scholarship (Arthur & Guy, 2020; Ferrara, 2020; Gonçalves, 2019). One MotherScholar, not connected with the study in this piece, wrote and published a narrative nonfiction essay on mothering and working during the pandemic. In the essay, she spoke of the traditional view of motherhood she was exposed to as a child versus her view now as a MotherScholar living during the present time,
I grew up in a traditional faith community that prizes motherhood as a woman’s primary purpose in life. Mormon women are taught that motherhood “is the essence of who we are as women. It defines our very identity, our divine stature and nature” (Dew, 2001). It is, quite simply, what women do and who we are. My own mother broke the mold and worked outside of the home, but she was the exception rather than the rule. I likewise dreamed about and eventually trained for a career, but I always knew that I would become a mother.
Going back to the idea of a Scholar-Practitioner being someone who engages in constant learning and of the analysis of stories, in reviewing a variety of discourses within research, a Scholar-Practitioner may discover that her particular perspective has not been reviewed or studied as frequently as other topics or experiences may have been studied. This lack of presence represents an opportunity to create research that examines those particular perspectives and brings us to the current study of focus in this book. The purpose of the study seeks to examine how MotherScholars viewed themselves and the impact of work-family balance, or lack of it, had on the perceptions during COVID-19. The responses from the MotherScholars who participated in the study led to conversation about how these women juggled the roles of mother and employee within higher education during a worldwide pandemic as they examined how they view themselves as MotherScholars.
A mixed-methods design was applied for this exploratory study. Data collection occurred via an online survey with MotherScholars during the COVID-19 pandemic and follow-up qualitative interviews with a subsample of interested participants. The location of the study was all over the world as MotherScholars currently work and teach all around the world. This study consisted of surveys and some follow up interviews which allowed me, as the researcher, to reach MotherScholars virtually no matter their location through the use of Google Survey software and the virtual platform that was used to conduct follow up interviews. The MotherScholars were able to complete the surveys and interviews at their current places of employment or where they live (i.e., the school they work at or in their homes) during the pandemic.
Three essences emerged from the findings of the study. The way MotherScholars view themselves and the impact this view has on work-family balance is dependent upon self-determined mindset, the notion of fluidity or recognizing that their mindsets may change, and a sense of management and resiliency emerged to overcome challenges or hurdles they may encounter as they persevered. Although each MotherScholar participant in the present study had at least one child and worked in higher education/academia, the majority of the MotherScholars agreed that although the roles of being both mother and scholar themselves remained static, the impact of the two roles on their mindsets they experienced varied.
Mindsets that were explored were complex with some MotherScholars explaining that their perceptions of their abilities to overcome challenges and to still identify as who they saw themselves as varied depending upon their interactions with others, the contexts/settings in which they interacted with others, and the individual meanings associated with identity type.
Several of the MotherScholars explained that the perceptions of identity or the mindsets of mother or scholar may differ or change based on interactions with others, the settings, and contexts or may be fluid or not static. This fluidity was achieved through how the MotherScholars viewed themselves and their perceived roles or expectations of the students and of others. Ridgeway and Correll (2004) speak about the expectations that others may have when looking at mothers as workers when describing motherhood as a status characteristic through the following example that was shared in their research: the instant a woman’s motherhood status is known, her competency and commitment is reevaluated and she is perhaps considered less competent and less committed to her work due to having to manage or juggle both home and work lives. Ruth Bader Ginsberg, an American Supreme Court Justice, has spoken of ways in which she negotiated being a working mother, and the fluidity she experienced through living out of both roles, over the years. Ginsberg (2018) shared that,
‘Work-life balance’ was a term not yet coined in the years my children were young; it is
aptly descriptive of the time distribution I experienced. My success in law school, I have
no doubt, was in large measure because of baby Jane. I attended classes and studied
diligently until 4 in the afternoon; the next hours were Jane’s time, spent at the park,
playing silly games or singing funny songs, reading picture books and A. A. Milne
poems, and bathing and feeding her. After Jane’s bedtime, I returned to the law books
with renewed will. Each part of my life provided respite from the other and gave me a
sense of proportion that classmates trained only on law studies lacked.
MotherScholars spoke of their views of selves as evolving or changing based on the interactions with others and environments especially after the arrival of the pandemic and those interactions and environments were so drastically affected (e.g., lack of childcare, working from home rather than in offices on campus). The impact of how work was carried out during COVID-19 has changed not only how MotherScholars approached their work but also how they let work infiltrate their most intimate spaces (Vialette, 2020). Thus, in certain environments (e.g., quiet home office), a MotherScholar may identify herself as still being a productive scholar versus as a scholar who is barely keeping up with the daily demands or responsibilities of her job in more distracting situations (e.g., noisy room in the home with a child or children in the background). Other MotherScholars spoke of their identities as mothers being front and center, in spite of feelings of frustration over being able to carry out their jobs to the best of their abilities. The fluidity essence is comprised of five subsections that will follow for the remainder of this chapter.
Within the responses of the MotherScholars, a sense of management and resiliency was evident through the MotherScholars describing how they dealt with the challenges that arose out of trying to fulfill the responsibilities of both mothering and working in higher education both before and during the pandemic. This sense of not giving up is reflected in the way that Ella Fitzgerald, an American jazz singer who has overcome many challenges and obstacles, lived her life by sharing with others to not give up trying to achieve their dreams or doing what they really want to do as where there is love and inspiration, one cannot go wrong (Nicholson, 1995). Through their responses in the study for this piece, the MotherScholars described how they carry out their roles as informants by sharing specific information about their needs, by providing details about what helps to assist with getting their work done as both mothers and scholars, and in bouncing back or being resilient in spite of adversity. The pandemic was not cause for an exception to displaying or experiencing this sense of management and resiliency.
Each of the 40 MotherScholars spoke of the management of the multifaceted roles and competing demands for time and attention in working within the mother and scholar roles as being a way of life for the family. They expressed that this management was hard but worth it. They shared that the management of the roles was fulfilling when done in such a way that is satisfying and allows the MotherScholars to accomplish what they set out to do. Results of this study reveal that supports, both human and environmental, assist MotherScholars in the work that they do inside the home and outside the home, networking with others is tremendously helpful, and engaging in “other” mothering or spiritually mothering their students as they mother their own children helps drive the work they do in addition to the passion they feel for what they do. Many of the MotherScholars expressed that the work they do outside the home is viewed as a form of creativity or serves as a creative outlet and they are able to refill their cups through the forms of self-care they engage in to be better mothers and better workers while others shared they were better mothers because of the work they do and vice versa in terms of recharging and tapping into their passions. Additionally, effective management of identities, roles, and responsibilities required time management, organization, resources, utilizing supports from others, and asking for help when needed.
As a MotherScholar with hearing loss, or a mother who works in higher education with less than 100% hearing in both ears, I, the author of this piece, am accustomed to having to work hard and find other ways to be successful compared to a teacher or parent without hearing loss and have grown to know when to ask for help as needed. My six year old daughter knows to ask, “Mama, are your hearing aids in?” during the early morning hours when trying to have a conversation with me before I have slipped the hearing aids into my ears at the start of the day. My students know to gain my attention before talking to ensure I can lipread and use other visual cues when speaking with them whether it be in the office or classroom. I am a strong believer in doing “what it takes” to be successful in spite of challenges or hardships.
Do rejections or challenges mean that you should resign yourself to just being average? No, keep plugging away at your weaknesses and trying to improve. In my case, that means setting up my environment in a way that allows me to be successful whether it be in the home or at work. As a MotherScholar with hearing loss, this means that I know to better hear my husband or daughter calling out to me from the other room, that I need to walk to where they are in the house and talk with them face to face rather than try to hear what is being said from down the hallway. At work, I rearranged my tiny office so that my desk is strategically placed and facing the door allowing for me to better hear and know when a visitor appears during office hours.
There were times I came away from encounters with others who wore masks or when access to communication was not provided over the last 1.5 years feeling as if I cannot measure up and as if my plans are limited due to my abilities. However, I have high expectations of myself, always have, and probably always will. The arrival of COVID-19 is not the first time access to communication was less than ideal. There have been plenty of meetings where the speaker did not utilize the microphone or sound system in the large auditorium. In those instances, I know where to position myself (often closer than six feet!) so that I can hear better and/or I pinpoint an individual I know I can talk to after the meeting to learn information I had missed during the meeting. In the home, I know to set multiple alarms so that I can hear when the oven timer is going off if I am not near the kitchen when the baking time ends. Socially, when at gatherings, such as a swim party, I communicate with others that I am unable to hear them when I take out the hearing aids but that I can read lips if I am close enough to them. In all situations, whether it be at work, home, or in the community, I let others know that I am not ignoring them but that I most likely did not hear them if and when I do not respond. When someone tells me I am unable to do something or that it is not good enough, I work that much harder to try to prove them (and me) wrong. So while others struggled through the barrier of face masks to communicate with others and perhaps experienced frustration or anxiety, I already had an idea of what was in store regarding the difficulty of communication. I took it in stride as I sought to overcome the challenges in efforts to still “fit in” and be like others in spite of not being like the majority.
I attempted to do my job amidst masks, my main form of communicating with others being drastically reduced, and feeling as though I could not be the teacher I am due to restrictions that were placed in my work environment. These experiences resurrected the feelings of not feeling accepted or good enough I felt in my earlier years due to my hearing loss. However, I cannot be bitter or resentful of these challenges that I face whether it be related to having hearing loss or something else.
Due to the mask mandate, I had to move to online teaching rather than teach face to face with zero access to my main form of communication. I have worked with new and returning students, we had some laughs (and tears), and have hurt a lot throughout the duration of the pandemic, but also loved deeply. Pandemic or no pandemic, I do want to keep improving and striving to be the best version of myself as MotherScholar I can be. I continue to be a student-focused teacher. I want to build and foster relationshipswith my students and colleagues and do not necessarily agree that I should try to be someone I am not by holding back or setting boundaries. So, I will continue to work to make and maintain connections in spite of challenges the environment may present as a MotherScholar with hearing loss. I will do the same with my daughter as she grows and goes through the growing pains of childhood into adolescence. My hope is that for what I lack in my hearing, I make up for in other ways and she always feels my presence and love.
Mulling over my purpose as MotherScholar, I am brought to the question of who am I? That is what this reflection boils down to now that I think about it…..from who I was to who am I now to who will I be? Those were the thoughts I have been ruminating over throughout the pandemic and walls came tumbling down…supports we had in place to help us be who we say we are in this world dissipated leaving us feeling exposed and vulnerable. My students might not see
me as a “good enough” professor after interactions with me that leave me with no inkling of what was said or asking them to repeat themselves over and over due to my inability to read lips and hear what is being said behind the cloth masks. My colleagues, and superiors, could plainly see how much I struggled to access what was being said during meetings that required us to space ourselves far apart from one another and to don the masks. Would they see me as being
less competent and unable to contribute as a result? Due to the restrictions brought about by the pandemic, this was the first time, as a working adult, that I had to ask for accommodations at work (i.e., teaching online so the masks would not be an issue). Many of my superiors expressed surprise at this request for an accommodation citing that they often “forget” about my hearing
loss due to my compensatory skills that I use. I was surprised by the amount of resistance that I faced in seeking this accommodation in efforts to still carry out my job and “do” school amidst COVID-19.
Reflecting on perceptions of who I am, I am hearing when I can see what is being said and am able to use preferential seating or be near the speaker’s primary speaking area. I am a person with hearing loss when others see the hearing aids in my ears. I am a mother who needs tapped on the shoulder by her child to ensure she is heard by her mama. I am a teacher who is unable to quickly locate where the speaker is in a crowded classroom if a hand is not raised indicating the speaker’s position in the room. I am a researcher who is fascinated by the “Whys” behind why people do what they do. I am a believer who strongly feels everyone is given a talent or gift to share and dare I say, has a responsibility to use it for the good of the Lord.
I am a sister, daughter, and aunt.
I am a friend and colleague.
I am a MotherScholar who happens to have hearing loss, too.
I am someone who “did” school amidst the pandemic and in spite of my hearing loss and the lack of access to communication thanks to the masks.
I AM bigger than my weaknesses and am not defined by them. Much like parenting, teaching, and navigating the worlds of being a mother and being a scholar, managing the weaknesses against the strengths one possesses, is a great balancing act! I am thankful I have my work and my family I can throw myself into and to be serving others in these ways as I attempt to
find (and keep) that work-family balance.
Professionally, I am hard wired to have many different plans in motion through the research, teaching, and service arenas yet all that has come to a grinding halt or significantly slowed due to restrictions brought about due to the virus. Throw in the changes in my personal life as well and everything has gone haywire. Yet, being busy keeps the tears at bay.
When is too much too much though? Yet again the term, intentionality, comes to mind and the idea of letting go and doing what matters the most to you. Therefore, when I consider what matters most to me, this leads to the juxtaposition of momming and teaching – – two roles I love and was born to do!
In spite of having a smaller family, the struggle of trying to get it all done each day is so – well, large! I literally had to resort to setting the timer for 15 minutes to do some grading then set it for 10 minutes to play with Charlotte before repeating the cycle again. She saw it as a game but I felt guilt and like I could not fully devote my attention to both tasks at hand thereby cheating both Charlotte and my students of my full self.
Be fully teacher.
Be fully mommy.
Grade that paragraph with the run-on sentences.
“Stick the My Little Pony in the dollhouse over there, Mommy.”
“Can you help me with advising? Should I change my grade to pass/fail or do you think my GPA will survive a C?”
Clean the spilled milk from the smiley face cup as the dogs try to lap it up by my feet.
Fix the exam that didn’t auto-release & send out emergency announcement and emails to calm the panicked students.
Color on the back porch with surprise rainbow crayons.
“Thanks for an incredible semester and for teaching me about this greatperformance-based assessment, Dr. R!”
“I love you, Mommy! That tickles!!!” before dissolving into a puddle of giggles in my bear hug.
Yes, I call that last one a win and now lay my head down to sleep to try to balance all over again tomorrow.
Day after day, I resign myself to not getting all the items checked off the to-do list at the end of a long day spent alternating between playing, working, resting, walking, teaching, grading, researching, and attempting to just “be” at some point.
This involves effort, vulnerability, and realizing you are going to fall short. I mean, my faith teaches that, too. We are human as are our efforts. Yet we should be striving for the best we can do and be, pray for the graces and wisdom to handle what is thrown our way, and rise above the challenges as the capable humans we are. With the arrival of COVID-19, all those working in higher education were forced out of their comfort zones and faced uncertainty and still are facing this to some degree now as we look toward the future.
Is there truly a right way to balance? I think the answer is different for everyone and we need to be respectful of that. Work-family balance is not a struggle just for those who work out of the home. This is a life-long and at times, delicate, journey we all must take. None of us escape the chance to engage in balancing _______________ (you fill in the blank). What we choose to do with the opportunities we have is up to us though. I am and will be eternally grateful and thankful for the opportunity to mother and work in so many capacities as a MotherScholar…and yes, even during a pandemic.
- JourMS - 