“My daughter she tells me everything. Some of it I’on even wanna know. We talk bout sex, new boos and all her phony friends too. We cry on almost every call, but we also have fun. If you asked me if I knew it would be like this while I was in prison, I would say no for sure. This mothering shit ain’t for the weak. And it sure it for no soft mommas especially when you locked up”
– Shelly/ Incarcerated Mother of 5 (serving 15-year sentence)
Abstract
This article explores the contradictory narrative and longstanding stigma that incarcerated mothers are not good parents who do not parent from prison. The negative image of incarcerated mothers that centered in media depictions and perpetuated in journalistic stories does not provide the truth of carceral mothering and m/otherhood behind bars. Through the perpetuation of the bad parenting myth that many incarcerated mothers face, these resilient survivors of incarceration become invisible, and their stories of success are blurred. This research seeks to center the experiences of m/othering and m/otherhood to shed light on the unique ways that women serve as mothers, engage in m/othering and experience m/otherhood from a distance, specifically from behind the wall. This study included qualitative data collection methodologies that included face-to-face interviews and phone conversations with 10 Black mothers. Specifically, 7 currently incarcerated and 3 formerly incarcerated. Study findings show that m/othering continues during incarceration and may be strengthened by the distance and depth of their relationships with their children. Women engage in brave conversations with their children through collect calls, letter writing and during in-person visits. This article concludes with womxn sharing creative strategies on how to raise children through the extreme distance in correctional institutions.
Introduction
Parental incarceration has impacted the entire United States for centuries. The majority of those affected are parents (Maruschak et. al., 2021) to minor children under the age of 18 years. Although most imprisoned parents are fathers, approximately 60% of imprisoned women have minor children (Ghandnoosh et. al., 2021). The number of incarcerated mothers in the United States has continued to rise (Council on Criminal Justice, 2024), especially with women being incarcerated at a rate which outpaces that of men since the 80’s (Cahalan et. al., 1986). With most incarcerated women identifying as mothers, it is important to gain a better understanding of their pre-incarceration circumstances. Many incarcerated mothers enter prisons, jails and detention centers with disadvantaged backgrounds. This includes experiences of extreme poverty (Gidden et. al., 2020), substance use and abuse (Solinas -Saunders, 2017), homelessness (Kajstura & Sawyer, 2024) and sexual and physical abuse (Lawson, 2016) Mothers enter carceral spaces with dynamic experiences and unique upbringings (further explain) that have been researched from the perspective of the deficits they bring and carry. These same statistics also highlight their ability to understand through lived experiences the communities in which they resided. These are the same communities that their children grow up in. (make this clearer).
Add to intro: These m/other – child bonds are fragile relationships that are often unpredictable during and after incarceration.
Children of incarcerated parents often desire lifelong relations with their incarcerated parents (Muhammad, 2011)
Connecting Through Community: I Been Around The Block A Few Times
Here the mothers share how their in-depth understanding of the inner workings of disadvantaged communities helped them to connect with their children. Many of whom still reside in the same or similar communities that they were raised in. Andy shares:
“I look young, cause Black don’t crack but I know a lot about these streets. I spent my whole life in em’. My son he know I know what’s up cause we talk about everything. We connect because we seen the same things. I had to RIP my whole friend group to the streets. He just now starting to see the pain that comes with living in the hood. He used to not come to me for stuff. Now we tight cause we been running in these same streets. I can keep him from ending up here. That’s the difference. He see that now”
Understanding the complexity of street life was a benefit to this mother. It was an experience that allowed her to gain closer proximity to her son during a time when she was far away during her imprisonment. Because of her upbringing and intimate understanding of the hood she was raised within, she was able to connect with her son, especially around the death of his close friends. Through the sharing of things that they both have seen happen in their community they were able to bond. (share more from quote and commentary). A few mothers did not have such keen understanding of the disadvantages in community upbringings. In these instances, mothers leaned into the community in different ways. For example, some m/others used their community friendships to help them stay abreast of what was going on in the community with their children. One mother described how she watches her children from a distance. This was common among the incarcerated womxn in this sample. Jazzy mentioned:
“I still have people out there that watch over mines. They [my children] think its sweet sometimes. I have to remind them that it’s not always. They stay bumping into people I know. I know the whole community basically. So, the whole community watching them while I’m in here.”
Incarcerated m/others maintained a presence in the communities through their peers who often kept an eye out for their children. Even when the children were not aware, incarcerated m/others were making sure that their children were watched over. In this instance, an incarcerated m/other had her best friend keep her updated on what was going on while she was imprisoned. She commented:
“My bestie came to visit and told me she saw my son out. He didn’t know who she was. She from our community and she be watching him even when he don’t know. She my eyes and ears on that street. She see what I can’t and she come tell me everything. I don’t even tell him I know what he been doing. I’m surprised sometimes he tells me things. Some of them I already know because my village keep me informed. I don’t even tell him. Just in case, you know”.
Incarcerated m/otherhood involves being able to juggle multiple things at once. Through this narrative we learn about ways that m/others lean into community to help them parent their children during imprisonment. The relationships that these mothers hold are maintained and leveraged to facilitate protection for their children.
These mothers who parent from behind the wall leveraged the community to parent their children..
Girls Just Wanna Have Fun: Sex, Drugs & Alcohol
In the next section, the theme of overarching acceptance is discussed. The m/others shared the ways that they accept all that their children bring to them. They try to be non judgmental and remain open to new ideas and ways of life. This allowed them to be there for their children when they needed them most
Children and m/others bonded through open conversations about anything (be detailed) they felt necessary. Sometimes this meant conversations in the prison visiting room about sex, drugs, alcohol and having a good time. One “hip mother”, a name her daughter affectionately gave her, openly shared details about the conversations she had with her daughter in the visiting room:
“Every visit went deeper and deeper. My daughter would come all the way to a visit to tell me about the guys she was dating and who she wanted to have sex with. I never imagined myself having these conversations with her and I did not think I would enjoy them this much”
Shelly goes on to state:
“This is my only daughter, and I want her to feel safe. I want her to know that she can share anything with me. I mean, I know a lot about sex, drugs and alcohol, so why not?”
Shelly did not see things in the same light as other women in the prison. Instead, she thought about it from an expertise perspective. For example, Shelly mentioned:
“When I was her age, I was doing everything wrong. I had no one to talk to. No adults I could trust. Most of them were trying to take advantage of me. I see it as me giving her what I wish I had. I wish I had someone to teach me how to do things safely. How to dream about the right man to be with. To think before I act. To keep my legs closed to those undeserving men”.
Other mothers shared about wanting their daughters to be able to learn from their mistakes. A few mothers felt that having a mother in prison is hard enough, so having fun was a must. They encouraged their daughters to go out and have a good time. It was stated during one conversation:
“You only live once. And who ever said that life has to be boring? Being young is about exploring. Every time my daughter writes me and brings up grown-up things I write back with stories of how I spent my life doing grown-up things and I just want her to have fun. When she shares the stories and pictures of her having fun, it makes me so happy.”
Another mother shared:
“I know my daughter drinks. She told me about a time she and a friend snuck alcohol from her mothers wine rack. I had so many similar stories to share. We laughed so hard and she asked questions. These are some of the beautiful conversations we have had while I was in prison.”
M/others wanted to make sure their children knew the truth about where their actions could land them.
Cherished Memories: Always in My Heart & Always on My Mind
Participants cherished the engagements they had with children during their incarceration. Most of the mothers shared the memorable experiences with their children that they held onto. The most special moments were shared between the mothers and their children during family visitation sessions. Being able to kiss and hug their children made them feel like real mothers. For example, Kim shared, “I yearn for visitation day, when I can hold my babies and hug each one at a time. It’s what I dream about. It makes me feel like a mommy. There are really no times that I get to really feel like a mommy in here because there are no kids in here”. The desires for being able to touch their children were prevalent in many of the mother’s narratives.
The distance created between these mothers and their children, through imprisonment, led to even stronger feelings for physical connection with them. Tasha reflects, “they say distance makes the heart grow fonder and I can tell you, it’s true. It is so true how I can’t sleep at night because I’m stuck up thinking about what my baby is doing, what new things they are up to, if they miss me?, if they will remember me? These are some of the questions that keep me up in my cell at night”. Mothering was a constant mindset for these incarcerated women. Even when separated from their children they remain psychologically in and on their minds. These incarcerated mothers carried their children in their dreams and all throughout their day, regardless of what they were doing. This was mentioned, through Sandra, who stated,
“I wish I could hug my babies forever and never let them go. Mothering inside it so hard. It’s like you always have to hold back. You never have enough time to really be the mother you want to be”.
In addition, Keke found it very difficult to do anything without having her children on her mind. For her, small tasks were hard to complete because she is depressed because she is incarcerated and away from her two girls. Keke stated:
“I work in the kitchen and every morning I’m late because it is still so hard to get out of bed. I still have so many memories of getting up to make my girls breakfast and get them ready for bed. I know I am in prison, but I still kick myself in the butt for being in this place. If I was out there, I could care for my babies the way they deserve”
She further elaborates by adding:
“At work in the kitchen I find myself daydreaming over the fruits. My youngest daughter loves oranges and apples. Whenever we have fresh fruit, I get stuck on staring at the fruits. Sometimes I must step away and cry. Everything that reminds me about the life I had back home with my babies eats me alive. It is just painful.”
Incarcerated m/otherhood is challenging at times. Some of the mothers in this study shared instances where they were hopeful, while other womxn commented on tough times that had them questioning their own actions that led them to be in prison and distanced from their children. They also shared the ways in which their mothering took on spiritual forms.
***talk about how she feels constrained in her mothering.
In God We Trust: Prayer Warrior Womxn
In times when mothers felt they could do no more, they turned to God, to a higher being to guide them through the journey of incarcerated m/otherhood.
M/others shared the importance of prayer in their journey of incarcerated m/otherhood. During this time of distance, they pulled closer to God to address the emptiness that they experienced from being distanced from their children. Some of the m/others mentioned their own upbringing that built their faithful foundations. Through conversations with Andy this theme was brought to life. She testified:
“I grew up in the church. I was there every Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Everything we did revolved around the church. All of my friends were members of the church. Our parents sang in choir together and all the kids were together every Christmas and Easter. All I knew was the church. Until I got loose and started running those streets”
Andy expanded by further sharing:
“Even when I got hooked on crack, I was in that crack house praying before getting high. I would have a prayer circle with all the crack heads. It’s kind of funny now, but back then I was dead serious. I actually felt closer to God when I was high. It made me feel bad but it’s true. Back then I was the prayer warrior of the group. I was the one that everyone came to and asked to pray for them. I was the one that prayed over the meal before we ate our cold chicken box. It was me, the high one that was still connected to God. I never let go of God”
Regarding her m/otherhood, Andy talked about her prayers getting stronger during her incarceration. She never missed a service during her incarceration. Even when she was sick, she would sit in the back of the prison chapel. She cried to God as she had prayed for years over her children. Other m/others shared similar experiences. Jaimala is not in contact with her children but prays for them every day. She shared:
“I pray 5 times a day and every one of those prayers include duaas for my children. I pray Allah keep them safe and in his favor. I pray Allah guide them to the straight path. Two of my sons took their shahada. I know they will never end up in prison if they put Allah first. That is my prayer. That is what I pray for.
M/others discussed authenticity and the importance of always being real. This meant that they had to use their time of incarceration to get to know themselves so they could devise plans for engaging authentically with their children. Shelly shared, “When I first got locked up I spent a lot of time to myself. I had to get to know myself all over again. I had to get ready for mail, calls and visits from my children and family. I needed to be prepared for the questions they was gonna ask me. You know, I had to be real and that meant getting to know that little girl inside of me that neva had the chance to really grow up”.
M/others talked about how they approached engagements with their children. This often meant being “raw, uncut and honest” in ways that they were before incarceration.
M/othering behind bars for some of these mothers meant toughening up. These womxn felt that being more straight forward was an approach to connecting deeply with their children.
Cutting Through the Chase: ‘Keep[ing] It Real’
The next section highlights a few narratives that encourage incarcerated mothers to keep it real with their children. While much of the research points to “enforced silence”, these mothers warn against it. Instead, they approach incarcerated m/othering in a more direct and unapologetic manner.
With communication and conversation during incarceration being limited to mail, calls and/or visits, parenting behind the walls, by design, limits the time that mothers have to engage with their children. As a result, mothers shared how they use this time wisely. For example, one mother shared:
“When I talk to my son, I’m not sugar-coating stuff. I grew up in the same place he is now. I know about the drugs, the prostitutes, the dealers and trap houses. The more real I am that more we connect”
“When you in here [prison] you can’t play those games. You have to let these kids know what you know. They want to talk to people who know these streets. They want the real deal. I give it just like that. My sons, my daughters, they know momma gon always keep it real”.
By keeping the conversation organic, meaningful and honest, mothers were able to use time shared with their children to create a safe space within the carceral space.Tonya also used this strategy to connect with her son. She stated:
“My son he so hard out there. When he come in here to visit me his eyes are always watering. He tells me things he shares with no one. He hold it all in until he get in here with me. Why? Because he know, I’ma always keep it one hundred. No matter what he brings in here, I promised him I would give it straight. No chaser”.
Mothers found success in being real about their interactions with their children. Other mothers chose to incorporate their village into the process of connecting with their children. This approach incorporated teamwork components.
Conclusion
The negative assumptions associated with incarcerated motherhood has led to limited perspectives on the true experiences of mothering from behind bars. When a womxn is imprisoned she is no longer seen as worthy of the honored title of “mother”. This article reminds us that a mother’s positionality does determine her ability to mother. In other words, just because a mother is incarcerated does not mean that she can not contribute to the raising of her child(ren). Incarceration should never be assumed to mean that a womxn does not want to be active in the role of mothering, nor should it stop womxn from being present in the lives of their children and families. In fact, this article finds the opposite, in which imprisoned mothers devised ways of showing up for their children in meaningful ways, in spite of their incarceration. As a result, incarcerated mothers had much to offer their children.
. To help their children navigate the world without them physically present. pulling from their past to propel their children forward. They had strong desires to parent and raise their children through the modest modes of mail, call and visits. Still, this did not stop these mothers from using all they had to pour into their children beyond the bars that limited their connectivity. . Instead of focusing only on the reentry to m/otherhood, it should be respected that mothering is something that happens across the lifecourse. Thus, it should continue and even be elevated during and beyond incarceration.
DISCUSSION. They did their own self-reflection and internal work as a proactive strategy to maintain and strengthen their bonds with their children.
It is important for all mothers of incarceration to hear these stories because they can serve as motivation for them to continue engagement with their children during incarceration. XXXcan benefit from learning about the dynamic ways that mothers parent from prison and deepen their relationships with their prison during confinement.
It is important for these stories to be shared to help shift the negative paradigm about incarcerated mothers, especially among other incarcerated mothers, caretakers of children of incarcerated parents, correctional staff, social workers, psychologists, educators and policy makers.
References
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Council on Criminal Justice. (2024). Women’s justice: By the numbers.
http://counciloncj.org/womens-justice-by-the-numbers/.
Council on Criminal Justice. (2024). Women’s justice: A preliminary assessment of women in the criminal justice system. http://counciloncj.org/womens-justice-a-preliminary-assessment-of women-in-the-criminal-justice-system/.
Ghandnoosh, N., Stammen, E., & Muhitch, K. (2021). Parents in Prison. The Sentencing Project. February 2021. http://www.sentencingproject.org/app/uploads/2022/09/Parents-in-Prison.pdf.
Glidden, M. D., Brown, T. C., Smith, M., & Hughes, M. H. (2020). Prisoners with purses: The financial literacy and habits of incarcerated women. Corrections: Policy, Practice, and Research, 5(5), 377-400. http://doi.org/10.1080/23774657.2018.1549966.
Kajstura, A., & Sawyer, W. (2024). Women’s mass incarceration: The whole pie 2024. Prison Policy Initiative. http://prisonpolicy.org/reports/pie2024women.html.
Lawson, N. (2016). It’s a man’s prison: How the traditional incarceration model fails females in Kansas. Kansas Journal of Law and Public Policy, 25(2), 273-288. http://lawjournal.ku.edu/wp content/uploads/2021/02/V2512A4.pdf.
Maruschak, L. M., Bronson, J., & Alper, M. (2021). Parents in prison and their minor children: Survey of prison inmates, 2016. Bureau of Justice Statistics.
http://bjs.ojp.gov/library/publications/parents-prison-and-their-minor-children-survey-prison inmates-2016.
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Muhammad, Bahiyyah, M. (2011). Exploring the Silence Among Children of Incarcerated Parents: An Exploratory Study. Rutgers University Dissertation Abstract. https://rucore.libraries.rutgers.edu/rutgers-lib/33528/PDF/1/play/
Solinas- Saunders, M., & Stacer, M. J. (2017). A retrospective analysis of repeated incarceration using a national sample: What makes female inmates different from male inmates? Victims & Offenders, 12(1), 138-173. http://doi.org/10.1080/15564886.2015.1101033.
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